This post is a bit more personal. I was going to write something different tonight but because I have had this on my mind, I think I will share it.
My daughter, who is seven years old, plays with a few of the girls in our neighborhood who are around her age. A few of them I like...a few I don't care much for. But something that she mentioned to me tonight that one of them said to her, really took me back by surprise a bit. And sadly, I'm not all that surprised at the same time. But I'm actually more hurt. In fact, I even started to get so mad, I was crying.
Here is a letter I'm unofficially writing to one of her friend's that lives down the street.
To My Daughter's Friend,
I understand children will be curious. They will ask questions. They will feel the need to laugh, play, make fun of, explore, shame, bully, get excited, and everything else in between. Children like you and my daughter and all the other little girls in the neighborhood will always crave knowledge. You will always crave acceptance. You will always crave praise.
I cannot blame you for every fault in your words and actions. I have to point the finger at your parents as well for your hateful words and unkind behavior. For these types of things are taught, not born with. I also know children will be children and sometimes say mean things to each other and not realize their words could hurt as much as they do.
But please never ever again tell my daughter she will never have a real family. That her family can never really love her and show her how a family should be, because she is mixed. Because she has a white mom and a black dad does not mean she is loved any less than you are. Or any other child around our neighborhood for that fact.
Please do not tell her any more that because you are white, and have white parents....they love you more and that you are all a real family. And my daughter will never have a real family because her parents decided that they loved each other and looked beyond their skin color and start a family.
We are a family too. Even though you do not think so because our colors are all different and we do not match. Just because I am her mother and I am white....just because her father is black.....just because she is tan and so are her brother and sister.....does not make us any less of a family that loves her unconditionally.
Family is not skin color. Family is beyond that. Family is about the people who love and care for you. Just because our family may not look like your family, does not make us less of a family. I hope you one day understand this. But until you do, I want you to respect my wishes and do not say these things anymore to her ever again. Or to anyone else you decide to play with and become friends with. Hate does not need to be spread. Do not make another child question the love their parents give them because you feel to voice your opinion on how a family should be.
I am writing this because my daughter told me that she was told these very words by the little girl down the street that she plays with everyday. She was told that because we are different races, that we cannot be known as a real family.
I know kids hear things from everywhere. It could be another child, a parent, a television show, music they listen to....who knows. It can come from anywhere. But I'm asking to please stop the hate and start showing love. Love for each other and love for yourself. I tell my daughter everyday to be proud of who she is, where she comes from, who her parents are....be proud to just be you. And I let her know to not listen to this other girl and know that she has a real family no matter what anyone else thinks.
Oh noes! I didn't think people still thought like that, much less taught that to their children. I would say something to the parents for sure because that can be very harmful. As her mother you have to look out for your child's best interests. You must protect her from such hate. I'd deffinetly say something.
ReplyDeleteYes, sadly we have encountered this quite a few times...but either when Natalya was too little to understand or wasn't around. But now, she's old enough to now be hurt by these words. This particular girl I have had to say things to in the past about things she has either said or done around me. I haven't really liked the girl. but she never did anything to this extent that I won't allow her to play with each other anymore. I will be saying something the next time I see her parents out. I don't like her parents either. They come off as "those type" of people that would teach their child this so it doesn't help. I guess you can't change people. But I can change who my child is friends with.
ReplyDeleteSo sad :( I am so sorry you have to deal with with this! It doesn't matter what color your skin is we are all equal!!!!!
ReplyDeleteWow, that little girl must have heard stuff like that from someone else. It's sad. And I'm sure your daughter will find great happiness in life.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me sad.
ReplyDeleteChildren learn to treat differences negatively - they aren't born like that. It is one thing noticing difference, another being mean about it. I have often been asked why my kids are a different colour, which is natural curiosity.
I have mixed race kids from my first husband, my husband now is white and our children are fair with bright blue eyes - lol - we look like a big mixed bag of nuts :)))
Oh my. This makes me so sad.
ReplyDeleteOh wow! I wish more parents would put in the effort to teach their kids not to discriminate against others. It's sad that this little girl has heard and learned this behavior at such a young age.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what to say... i know my future kids will be in the same situation because we are a mixed couple as well. It hurts knowing there are so many dumb people out there :(
ReplyDeletePrint the letter out and give it to the kid. Maybe?
Love you! Love what you wrote!
Oh dear, I am terribly sorry your daughter was told this. Like you said, it's shocking but not shocking, and for that I sincerely apologize. I truly wished we lived in a world that was color blind, and merit matter more.
ReplyDeletePeople matter, words hurt, but love conquers all. I imagine this little girl is just repeating what she is being taught, and that scares me. It's 2014! Why does color matter?
Wishing you the best~
XOXO
That is just terrible!!!! I'm so sad that we still live in a world where the color of someone's skin can make people say such hateful things.
ReplyDeleteI can't fathom the adrenaline rush that must have come with these words out of the mouth of your baby. I am sorry that your daughter had to ever hear those words spoken out loud. I am sorry that this is part of your story. Sorry that our world is still so full of ignorant people. UGH. I am also sorry for that little girl who said that. What a sad thing for a 7 year old girl to believe. That she would ever consider it true enough to utter out loud to another child.
ReplyDeleteGosh, this breaks my heart. I am beyond glad that your daughter told you what was said instead of letting it fester inside of her sweet heart. What a terribly ignorant thing to say. May the love that you and your husband share with her grow her into a beautiful lady with a gracious and kind heart. Bless your sweet FAMILY!
ReplyDeleteThat also me sad, the thought of Natalya believing for one second that you her parents don't love as much, breaks my heart. This would actually make me so sad even for the little girl. Her parents are not teaching her love they are teaching her to find differences in people based on a structure that is out of this world (well it's supposed to be??). I would not have my kids around this little girl anymore, unfortunately this reason would be her parents fault!
ReplyDeleteOh no! I'm so sorry that your daughter had to be exposed to this. I can only imagine the things that were running through her mind. This makes me very sad that this still goes on, people should really watch what they say around their children because kids are very impressionable! I love your strength! You are amazing. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the worst things I have read in awhile!
ReplyDeleteWhat are people teaching their children, its 2014! I would like to think that by this time most people should have worked out that it doesn't matter what color your skin is, what race you are or what sexual preference you have. Love is Love, family is family!
This is an absolutely appalling attitude to be teaching a child, your poor child, to be told something so ridiculous and hurtful. I would be speaking to the parents and the community to make aware that this behavior should be squashed at the source!!
Good luck with dealing with this!!
xx
Thank you. I know she will. She was a little upset about it but more questioning me why someone would say that to her. It really upset me though and threw me for a loop.
ReplyDeleteLOL I have a friend who is the same. Her daughter is mixed from a previous relationship but now all her other children are white from her new husband. And they are all beautiful and unique. And I love it. It is really sad when I hear things come out of people's mouth that is so racist. Especially from a child that you know did not just think up that. They were told that somewhere down the line
ReplyDeleteIt is sad :( And I hope this little girl understands she cannot be telling other kids these things.
ReplyDeleteThank you! It is horrible to know we are still around people with a closed mind. I hope one day as well that it finally disappears and race no longer matters.
ReplyDeleteIt is terrible. I had my reasons for not liking this girl previously...one was she stomped on my flowers I was growing....she took my ipod from my daughter and decided to start reading my emails out loud in our yard....but this comment by her really took the cake. She needs to be taught that not only what she said was wrong, but she cannot be just saying what is on her mind all the time. Sometimes, we have to hold back our words and keep our mouth shut
ReplyDeleteThank you. It is how I feel. I feel sorry for all the same reasons. I am glad though that it affected me more than it did my daughter. She was a little upset but brushed it off and went on. I have had the racism talk with her before because I knew someday this would come up. And I think maybe that is why she wasn't as hurt by the words. Or maybe she was and just wouldn't show it. But it still makes me furious thinking about that this child said anything like this to her.
ReplyDeleteI am very glad she said it to me too. Though she is that type f girl that is always telling me everything and anything going on and I really appreciate that. I don't want her to feel like she should be ashamed of us or who she is because she doesn't look like that girl's family. And thank you for the very kind words :) I'm so much more of an emotional wreck then she is and I hope she understands that love has no boundaries. It's color blind
ReplyDeleteIt is so sad. I'm so glad though that she didn't take it to heart the way I did. She just was sad and wanted to know why someone would say such a mean thing to her. She did ask me later on that night if I really did love her. Of course I could only say I could never stop loving her. And yes, we are not letting her play with this girl. That girl tried to come over today and we had to make Natalya come inside because we told her there is no use in trying to be nice to someone who has that little respect for her. She has other friends she can play with that do not mind what color she is or what color we are.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree. You would think people would be over this by now. I know majority is. But you always get those bad seeds in there. Her parents seem like "that type" anyway. It shocks me but doesn't at the same time and that's the same part. Love is love and family is family. You are so dead on.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that Natalya brushed it off better than I have been able to . She's such a tough cookie. She was sad and asked me questions why someone would say that to her. But I still get so angry just thinking about it. I wish I could shrug it off like she does.
I know I already responded to your comment in the group but I will say it again. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteIt's so heart breaking to know people still feel the need to make such comments and teaching their children this type of stuff for them to repeat to others who don't want issues. I don't want to have to teach my daughter about this person because they are this color or that person because they are that color. But I have because she will always encounter something to this extent. I have raised her to love everyone for who they are. If you don't like someone, don't like them because they did this to you. Not because they are this color or this religion or come from this type of household.
I hate the racial judging. And I refuse to let it bring me or my family down.
Wow I love this letter. This was beautifully written and I agree with you. I remember when I was young, I never knew what race was and was oblivious that i was different from my classmates. It sadden me to know that someone that young already know what skin color is. Your daughter is lucky to have a wonderful family :)
ReplyDeleteThat is so heart breaking :[
ReplyDeleteand you are right, things like this are taught. I feel sad for children who have to grow up learning such garbage.
*hugs*
This actually made me tear up. It's certainly one thing to experience this type of behavior as an adult - being a female and being a black female at that definitely comes with great challenges. But to experience it as a child...I don't know, that just reminds you that a child's innocence lasts only so long and that what comes after losing that innocence is a product of the environment. I too am not surprised that your daughter has experienced this. BUT I certainly agree that it's hurtful and we never know what type of mark our words and actions leave on people both young and old. As long as your family unit is strong and instills the true definition of love, beauty, faith and strength, your daughter will grow up to be a wonderful woman!!
ReplyDeleteThis is absolutely horrible!! I'm so sad both you and your daughter have dealt with this already! As a mixed race person myself, boy do I know how harmful things like this can be. I know how it stays with you throughout your life, how it can invade your thoughts of who you are. I'm so sad...I know that you and your family are real! I can only hope that your words and your comfort and acknowledgement of this negativity can help your daughter to know (for now and always) that she has a REAL family, possibly even more real than that other child's (but I'm not going there). Many hugs to you and your daughter! :)
ReplyDeleteStopping over from Meandering Mondays!
Yeah, kids like that make me so angry. I just wanna slap them. But then I remember it's their parents who probably raised them like that, and I feel sorry for them. =/
ReplyDeleteI've never had to personally deal with racism to that extent, but I am always getting questions about my kids because they look so different. It's so ignorant. People have asked me if they are really both "mine" or adopted, they've asked if they have different fathers, they've asked if I am their stepmother... Seriously? Just mind your own business.
ReplyDeleteHow very, very sad and terribly hurtful. Yes even in 2014 this goes on, more so than people think. Some of it depends on where you live. We live in a multi cultural, multi race society in the Caribbean where one would think that racism is extinct. Don't believe it. Some local "whites" believe they are superior but it's only in their own country that they are seen as 'white' because of their French, Spanish, Portugese heritage. Nowhere else in the world are they seen as white. But what is white? What is black? Does it matter? I feel terrible for your daughter and for you as her mother. I came to this page through my daughter's blog and maybe you should read her take on colour. Your daughter is of course too young to understand my much older daughter's take on it but you will understand what she is saying and perhaps take heart from it.
ReplyDeletehttp://natalake.blogspot.com/2014/11/hey-im-mixed.html
I am not making excuses for the child but the reality is that no child comes into this world with prejudices and it is the fault of the parents/grandparents/ family et al..... There is no way on earth that her parents are going to give her the talking to because what she is doing is, for whatever reason, 'learned behaviour'. She is a terribly unhappy child even at such a young age. Something negative is going on in her life that makes her behave this way.
ReplyDelete