The Fears Of Motherhood Second Time Around

THURSDAY 09.20.12

The title pretty much says it all. I've had this on my mind a lot lately. It wasn't so much before but these last few weeks it really has kicked in...the fear, the confusion, the questions.....the "what ifs?" I've thrown out here and there in my pregnancy posts a few of my concerns but not everything on my mind.
First, I'm starting to become terrified of childbirth all over again. I think it's actually more scary this time around because I know what to expect and that scares the hell out of me going through what I did before. I delivered my daughter all natural with absolutely no medication, nothing before, during, or after. I went into a state of shock from the pain and refused to even look at my daughter for about an hour after she was born because I literally wanted to kill myself. It was that horrible. I do not deal well with pain at all and I can tell you, it sucked so bad.
Some people don't have a horrible experience with natural childbirth. I did. Luckily, she came very quick. Only had to push for 20 mins before she was born but it felt like eternity. I never wanted anymore children after that experience. All I did was cry and cry because they would not give me anything afterwards for the pain and I wanted something so bad. It really ruined the "bonding" experience that most moms have right after the baby was born since I couldn't even move or speak. I was just in a state of shock.

So that is fear number one. That I will have to go through that pain all over again. So I spoke to my doctor about an epidural even though my husband is against them and does not want me to have one. He prefers me to have a natural childbirth med free again. And you know, being the kind of people that we are that really turn down medication and pain relievers and things for anything and even in the hospital,  this is one of those time where I want them.

So we are going back and forth. He says I can deal with the pain again and my doctor said if I want an epidural, he has no problem giving me one. My last doctor was against them that is why I went all natural. It was not by my choice though I was told by the time I got to the hospital, I was already 10cm dilated and I want to get to the hospital sooner so I have the option of getting one if I want.

I also had this huge fear of epidurals. I spoke my mind in my last pregnancy post about why I am terrified to get one as well because of the horror stories friends and others have said about their experiences going through one. Mostly all said they have back problems now that are very painful. I was told popping noises happen, they don't do it right and have to keep doing it over, one girl said she is now in a wheelchair because she had scares the shit out of me. I don't want those issues.

However, some of these fears have gone away now due to my surgery a couple weeks ago where I had to go through a spinal tap. Now that was so scary, I cried for a long time when they told me I had to have one to stay awake during surgery. I heard those are even worse and more painful then an epidural plus I was terrified what it would do to my baby. But after having it done, I survived and so my fears on epidurals have lightened a bit. Now, it's just getting the husband comfortable with the idea of me getting one during delivery.

My next fear is being by myself while delivering the baby. I'm so upset and sad my husband won't be able to be with me. No one will. I will be completely alone with only the nurses and doctors and I want him there. 
But the hospital will not allow anyone under the age of 16 on the delivery floor
 of the hospital and so he will either have to do one of two things: Either take me and drop me off and come back home until the baby is born then him and our daughter can come see me. Or him and our daughter will have to wait in the lobby at the hospital until the baby is born then see me once I get into the recovery hall.

Since we do not have anyone to look after our daughter during this, we have no choice but for him to stay with her while I am completely by myself. I really don't want that at all. But I have to try to mentally get prepared for it. It will be sucky to have no one there with me at all. My mom said when I was little and my brother was being born, my mom had to be dropped off at the hospital and my dad stayed home with me until after his birth then we went to see her. I really hate being so far away from my parents. It would be so much nicer if they lived even a few hours away. I've actually cried over this fear because I know it has to be this no matter what and I hate that we can't change it.

Moving on to my next fear....Being a mom to two children. Not so much being a mom. What I meant was sharing my love. How can you share love? I don't want one child to feel neglected over the other or feel like I love one more then the other. I love my daughter so much. Is it possible to have that exact same love for another? I know it is but it seems so much right now to me. I want to be able to give them equal love. I just have a fear one may not feel that way. For almost six years, it has just been the three of us {me, husband, and daughter}. Now we are bringing a fourth into our circle and I just want to be a good mom.

So how have other moms out there gotten rid of their fears of becoming a second time mommy and what obstacles did you overcome for the birth of your second? I would love to hear others insights and feelings on everything they went through. It is a bit scary but I know I'm not alone. I know others have been there, done that. And since it has been so long since I had my daughter, everything feels so new again. And somewhat different too.
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  1. Okay, how you are feeling is normal, I have 5 kids all born via c section due to medical reasons, it's scary each time. I assure you a c section is not the easy option people seem to believe either, it's surgery and it's months of pain and recovery. This is not meant to rude or disrespectful to your husband but it is your pain, your body and your mental health - do what you need to so you can cope. My babies were all born after epidurals because of said c sections and they are all fine and were fine. I find these days so many people want to tell you "the right way" but what is right for them may not be right for you. I wish you the best birth possible, I hope that you can do it the way you wish but if you need intervention be it pain relief or anything else, it's okay. May your birth be safe, healthy and you are able to enjoy the experience and your baby. God Bless xoxo Looking forward to the pics of the little one :)

  2. Aw! This post makes my heart sad for you, child birth is meant to be beautiful, amazing, and exciting :( I wish I lived near you so I could look after your girl so you guys could be together!!! What about considering other pain relief options and making a bit of compromise? You're the one pushing it out so he needs to meet you halfway! When I was preggo I chose to focus on positive birthing which I think helped me by the time I went into labour I had a great state of mind, plus my whole family told me I'd need an epi but I did it all natural (still not sure how I did that though haha). Best of luck with this girlfriend x

  3. I'm sorry to hear that you're so scared Rebecca. I really hope that you can find somebody who will look after your little girl so your husband can be there to see the birth because it's a beautiful moment and you should both share it together. We're all rooting for you here and wish you the best of luck, please don't be afraid to accept medication after the birth, it doesn't make you weak or anything.

  4. Oh honey, all those fears are normal. Totally normal. My first was induced, I had the epi and motrin after. It was very chaotic and I went into shock after. It took forever for that bond to happen - I just had a very hard time accepting that I had a kid and the day before he was on the inside and now...he was on the outside. My 2nd (they are 21 months apart) fasted labor delivery. I walked in at 8:01 and had him at 9:02. Completely natural. Nothing after either. I wanted to go run a marathon after - I felt fabulous. The bond was immediately there and I felt that this feeling was what I was missing the first time around. Each labor/delivery/baby is so different. I hope that you get a nice easy 2nd chance. (about the epi - it hurt worse to get the Iv than the epi)
    As for dealing with two kids - it was much harder for me to bring one home. I was scared over everything. With the 2nd, I was much more relaxed. I knew he wouldnt break and I actually enjoyed that newborn stage. Good luck, Sweetie. You'll be fine. :)

  5. Rebecca, I have two kids one was a natural birth and I had an epidural for the second. I didn't have a bad time with the first but when the second one came the dr insisted I lay flat and I just couldn't do that without pain killers. Wish I had another doctor. anyway the epidural was easy. It stung when they put it in--not as bad as the booster shot I got a while ago. I did know a lady who was in a wheel chair from an epidural but that was ages ago her child is pushing 40 I'm sure they have figured all that out by now. When you go in there you do what you want. When hubby gets pregnant he can deliver any way he wants. And please find a baby sitter so you aren't alone God bless

  6. I think these are all very valid fears. I had an epi with my first and went natural for my second. My second was ten times easier than my first as far as labor goes. I mean it was just better all around. The epi didn't mess me up in any way, but it worked and it made for a harder recovery post-delivery as far as getting up out of bed and moving around. My hospital was really great with my second about letting me move around and walk and I was even about to get in the shower until my doc wanted to hook me back up to the monitors. Walking around really really helped.

    Being a mom of two is an adjustment, but I think it wasn't too bad. Mine are 11 months apart to the day and I had to do a lot of it by myself. My husband was gone from 5am to 6 or 7pm most days and I was in the middle of no where (quite literally) and all family was at least a 16 hour drive away. You can do it. Once you get into a good routine - it really isn't that bad. You'll love the new baby for a whole other reason than you love your first. You will never realize that your heart can hold that much love, but it totally does. :)

    Just remember that each labor/delivery is different and keep an open mind! I went into my first being completely against an epi, but my mom-in-law said to keep an open mind...and I'm glad that I did the epi in the first one. But I'm also glad that I went all natural the second time. Definitely speak with the labor/delivery staff in what is allowed during your delivery as far as walking, moving, labor ball, shower, etc. :)

  7. I'm going to have my second baby any day and I'm scared as heck! So I totally get where you're coming from.

  8. Your feelings are totally normal and justified. I, much like Lindsay above, had an epi with my first and totally natural for my second (I wasn't even officially admitted to the hospital by the time the second one came out, let alone have anything in my system). No adverse reactions with either. The recovery was significantly easier with the natural labor, but I have no clue if that's because it was my 2nd or because of lack of drugs in my system. And let me be clear that it didn't mean my recovery was bad with the epi; it just took an extra day to feel completely 100% normal.

    That said, I will echo what other moms said. You have to manage YOUR pain in YOUR way. Your husband's opinion should be respected (I know I would extend that courtesy to my husband, so I suspect you are doing the same to yours), but it's still your body and if you're in too much pain, it needs to be dealt with. Talking with your doctor about pain relief techniques aside from the epi might be helpful. (Believe it or not, lamaze breathing helped me significantly for both of my pregnancies, at least up until a certain point.)

    And when your second child is born, your heart just expands. It just happens without thought or planning. (And on that note, my #2 is crying, so I should cut this short and go!)

  9. I can't imagine giving birth without my husband, so my hat is off to you BIG time over that one!!!!

    I'm COMPLETELY against the epi because I tried it with Zeva and it lead to so many MORE nightmares than giving birth naturally TWICE ever did!! The epi made me feel totally utterly out of it and FREEZING and a HUGE JITTERY CHATTERY woman!!! Then when she was ready to come out, I felt like I was pushing with all of my might only to find out I was barely pushing at all.

    Finally the doctor told me after 45 minutes of WASTED time that we could turn the epi off, and Zeva was born in no time flat after that. She did suffer with a small fever because she was in the vagina area longer than she was suppose to be because I literally couldn't get her out.

    Then I suffered with MAJOR back pain for MONTHS on end where they inserted the epi. I'd go through natural labor 100 times over than endure that epi again!!

    Of course, MILLIONS (maybe more really) LOVE it. However, there are lots of people who have experienced similar stories to mine. If you gave birth naturally already, then trust me you may actually miss those pains and heartaches if you choose to use the epi.

  10. I admire your thoughtfulness of your husband's feelings. However, unless he is going to start pushing you get the final word! Listen to your body, and do what feels right. I can only imagine what you are feeling;'that anxiety is one of the reasons I'm only having one! You seem to be a great mom, and I have a feeling you will know exactly what to do. Kudos for being so honest and open. I'm sure that was scary to out out there!