Reflecting On Motherhood - xoxo Rebecca

Reflecting On Motherhood

I never thought growing up I would become a mother. I never did. I never seemed to be
interested in having children. Just living my life. But when I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter, so many emotions crashed on me. And I knew for the rest of my life, I would be different. There would never be the same "me" that I once was, but an entire new look on life. I was now going to be responsible for someone else. And that scared me.

Once my daughter was born and I met her, I look back now thinking to myself that no matter what happens, I will always be this little girl's mom. For the rest of my life, this little girl and I would be bonded together. Looking down at her tiny little body I was so amazed. And now, seven {almost eight} years later, it's so hard to imagine her being that little tiny baby. She is so grown up in so many ways. I feel the years have zoomed by so fast. I feel like I was never good enough for her. Never nice enough to her. Always saying "no" and feeling selfish.

I look back at her baby photos and and then look at her. She was perfect the minute I met her. And she's still perfect after all these years later. And I still love her more each day. It's funny, I sit here and type this with tears dripping down my face. Looking at her as she is sleeping on the couch because she passed out watching her favorite movie.

Even though she's almost as tall as I am, she will forever be my baby girl. My first child, someone I held in my arms for years and it was always about her. I did everything for her. Now, she wants to start doing everything for herself. Playing with her friends now outside rather than me. Loves to say "No mom, I can do it on my own." I love that she loves to try and be her own person. Some days I miss when I would sit and she would fit in my arms as I rocked her to sleep, holding her bottle and singing to her. She may have outgrown my lap, but she will never outgrow my heart.

Sometimes she says things that make me look back and realize I am either doing the right things, or that I need to do better. But I told her that no matter what she does, no matter what happens, I will love her so much. She has no idea how that love feels inside my heart.

And I sit and cry to myself thinking that maybe I could have been a better mother to her. Maybe I could have done more, given more attention, given more time. I sit and think that I could have been better. I think about how my mom was with us and I want to be that kind of mom to her. The one where we are always doing stuff together or I'm taking her out to the park all the time. I just look back on all the years and still feel like I am not good enough. I'm not the mom I wanted to be. And I didn't give her enough attention or let my selfish needs of wanting some "me" time get in the way.

I want her to look at me like I was an amazing person and mother to her and that she looks back on her childhood thinking we did everything together. No matter what, she will forever be my baby girl. She is my first born, she's so special to me. Even when she doesn't think so, she truly is my whole world.
And then there is my son. Six years after my first daughter, I finally gave birth to a son. A son I almost lost twice. This little boy is so very special to me. You have no idea. While I was pregnant with him in the last trimester, my appendix decided to give out and was about to explode. I needed to undergo emergency surgery to save both his and my life. I was lucky enough the poison didn't get to him and he was able to stay in my belly until he was ready to come out (9 weeks later).

When he was born, I was so over the moon. He was perfect. He was perfect to me anyway. But it started going downhill a day later when he showed signs of something unhealthy. Something abnormal. I was devastated to have to leave him while they sent me home. He needed special tests and observations done overnight to see what may be the problem. I fell with no sleep, calling the hospital every hour that night. I was given high hopes that nothing was really wrong with him. But then the phone call came at 6am the next morning. Something wasn't right. And I was told my little boy. The most precious boy I've ever known....may not live. And if he did, he would only survive for about five days.

Can you imagine hearing that? I broke down immediately. My entire world crashed. I remember like it was yesterday. He had something that they weren't sure of pinpointing over the phone with me. But he needed to go and have emergency surgery. Otherwise, his life would not make it. He would never come home to me. To the home I made for him. I hung up the phone and ran out of the house in my pajamas and hair looking like a hot mess, started up the car, and drove nearly 90 MPH to race to the hospital.

I got there and I saw my two day old baby laying there with tubes all over him. He was moving and looking around. They started to wheel him away and let me walk beside him, holding onto the cart. But I couldn't touch him. The nurses comforted me as I cried so hard and they told me I could say hello to him before they took him to be numbed and put to sleep for his two and a half hour surgery.

It was the longest two hours of my life sitting and waiting for the doctor to talk to me about what happened, how he was, what did they do....so many unanswered questions. But I finally got to have my questions answered. I saw my little baby being wheeled out into the hallway lifeless. He looked like a doll. A very tiny little doll. No movement, just lying there with so many cords covering his little seven pound body from head to toe. I cried and cried and cried. It wouldn't stop.
He had to stay in the hospital for a few weeks. I stayed with him by his side. Each day I was hopeful for good news about progress. I was over exhausted, crying all the time, not eating, not sleeping, not thinking...just so worried about this beautiful little guy.

I started to neglect my life at home. My daughter was always asking when she was going to see me for more than a few hours. I cried because of that too. Because she needed me and I wasn't there because her brand new brother needed me more.

And now...after all that...he's the most perfect little boy you could ask for. He's so full of spunk, life, and beautiful. When people told me that boys are special. I never truly understood what that meant. Now I know. There is such a different bond I have with my son, then I do with my daughter. The love is the same. But my little guy holds a different place in my heart. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I almost never got to see him smile, that I almost never got to rock him to sleep, that I almost never knew what he would look like when he grew up. But he is the most special little boy to me and I love him so much.
And then finally there is my last little one. It was a shock when I found out I would be a mommy again for the third time. My baby boy was almost six months old when we found out we were pregnant again.

After such a big age gap between the first two, I never imagined being pregnant again so soon. It scared me. But once this little girl entered my world, I couldn't be more happier to call her my own. She is the sweetest baby. She lights up a room with her constant smiles. She smiles all the time. I think she looks so much like me as a baby. My other two look like my husband. But to me, she is my little mini-me and so I feel a closeness with her through that. We are like one in the same.

She's such a bright and uplifting little girl. Only five months old and has everyone in love with her. I never thought I would be the mother to three children. But I am glad I am. Though some days are rough, I love them so much. I hope she grows up loving life and enjoying our time we are going to spend together.

I feel like I don't want to make any mistakes with her that seemed to slip by me with my first daughter. Though I know it's not too late, I feel like I need to get it right so that I can be the best mommy to these three.

I feel terrible when I get mad for simple things. I guess sometimes, I just don't think about it and am really trying to work on that so I can be a better mom. I don't' know why I get so emotional or upset thinking about this stuff...but I do. And it hits me hard to the point I can't stop crying about it. 

I just want me children to look at me and think that I'm the most wonderful person in their life and they can't live without me and I make them so truly happy. That's all I want. I want to be an incredible mother. Most days, I feel worthless to them. And I don't want to. I want to be amazing.


xoxo Rebecca