The Fears Of Motherhood Second Time Around - xoxo Rebecca

The Fears Of Motherhood Second Time Around

THURSDAY 09.20.12

The title pretty much says it all. I've had this on my mind a lot lately. It wasn't so much before but these last few weeks it really has kicked in...the fear, the confusion, the questions.....the "what ifs?" I've thrown out here and there in my pregnancy posts a few of my concerns but not everything on my mind.
First, I'm starting to become terrified of childbirth all over again. I think it's actually more scary this time around because I know what to expect and that scares the hell out of me going through what I did before. I delivered my daughter all natural with absolutely no medication, nothing before, during, or after. I went into a state of shock from the pain and refused to even look at my daughter for about an hour after she was born because I literally wanted to kill myself. It was that horrible. I do not deal well with pain at all and I can tell you, it sucked so bad.
Some people don't have a horrible experience with natural childbirth. I did. Luckily, she came very quick. Only had to push for 20 mins before she was born but it felt like eternity. I never wanted anymore children after that experience. All I did was cry and cry because they would not give me anything afterwards for the pain and I wanted something so bad. It really ruined the "bonding" experience that most moms have right after the baby was born since I couldn't even move or speak. I was just in a state of shock.

So that is fear number one. That I will have to go through that pain all over again. So I spoke to my doctor about an epidural even though my husband is against them and does not want me to have one. He prefers me to have a natural childbirth med free again. And you know, being the kind of people that we are that really turn down medication and pain relievers and things for anything and even in the hospital,  this is one of those time where I want them.

So we are going back and forth. He says I can deal with the pain again and my doctor said if I want an epidural, he has no problem giving me one. My last doctor was against them that is why I went all natural. It was not by my choice though I was told by the time I got to the hospital, I was already 10cm dilated and I want to get to the hospital sooner so I have the option of getting one if I want.

I also had this huge fear of epidurals. I spoke my mind in my last pregnancy post about why I am terrified to get one as well because of the horror stories friends and others have said about their experiences going through one. Mostly all said they have back problems now that are very painful. I was told popping noises happen, they don't do it right and have to keep doing it over, one girl said she is now in a wheelchair because she had scares the shit out of me. I don't want those issues.

However, some of these fears have gone away now due to my surgery a couple weeks ago where I had to go through a spinal tap. Now that was so scary, I cried for a long time when they told me I had to have one to stay awake during surgery. I heard those are even worse and more painful then an epidural plus I was terrified what it would do to my baby. But after having it done, I survived and so my fears on epidurals have lightened a bit. Now, it's just getting the husband comfortable with the idea of me getting one during delivery.

My next fear is being by myself while delivering the baby. I'm so upset and sad my husband won't be able to be with me. No one will. I will be completely alone with only the nurses and doctors and I want him there. 
But the hospital will not allow anyone under the age of 16 on the delivery floor
 of the hospital and so he will either have to do one of two things: Either take me and drop me off and come back home until the baby is born then him and our daughter can come see me. Or him and our daughter will have to wait in the lobby at the hospital until the baby is born then see me once I get into the recovery hall.

Since we do not have anyone to look after our daughter during this, we have no choice but for him to stay with her while I am completely by myself. I really don't want that at all. But I have to try to mentally get prepared for it. It will be sucky to have no one there with me at all. My mom said when I was little and my brother was being born, my mom had to be dropped off at the hospital and my dad stayed home with me until after his birth then we went to see her. I really hate being so far away from my parents. It would be so much nicer if they lived even a few hours away. I've actually cried over this fear because I know it has to be this no matter what and I hate that we can't change it.

Moving on to my next fear....Being a mom to two children. Not so much being a mom. What I meant was sharing my love. How can you share love? I don't want one child to feel neglected over the other or feel like I love one more then the other. I love my daughter so much. Is it possible to have that exact same love for another? I know it is but it seems so much right now to me. I want to be able to give them equal love. I just have a fear one may not feel that way. For almost six years, it has just been the three of us {me, husband, and daughter}. Now we are bringing a fourth into our circle and I just want to be a good mom.

So how have other moms out there gotten rid of their fears of becoming a second time mommy and what obstacles did you overcome for the birth of your second? I would love to hear others insights and feelings on everything they went through. It is a bit scary but I know I'm not alone. I know others have been there, done that. And since it has been so long since I had my daughter, everything feels so new again. And somewhat different too.
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