Second Time Around - xoxo Rebecca

Second Time Around

So for those of you who saw my Facebook post earlier today, you know it wasn't a happy one. I didn't say much nor wanted to really discuss it at the time. But I did say I would blog about it when I got a minute. So here is the back story of it.

Since I've never talked about it on here no one would know unless you are a very old friend reading this and knew about my life years ago and things that happened. Ten years ago when I was 20 years old and an incoming sophomore in college, I found out I was diagnosed with cancer. Luckily, it wasn't life threatening and of course, could not be cured, but treated for the time being.

I went for the routine appointments for testing and samples being taken right and left. Every time they thought they removed it, it would return again and stronger then the last time around. So it eventually became to the point where I had two options. To try having a surgical procedure done where they remove more then just the cells. They remove part of the body part it affected as well or to go the extent and have everything removed.

I said I would try the partial removal and go in for that. The surgery took two hours and luckily, wasn't painful during recovery for the most part. I had an amazing doctor and he was able to do everything with lasers. However, that didn't mean it was always fine. Every time I went to an appointment, I cried so bad and it was never easy. They were always painful removing samples and cultures and things.

So after it was all over, I was still not safe. There was always a chance it could come back. However, for the last ten years my body has seemed to remain cancer-free. I have always been scared every time I go get tested the tests will show it. I have been happy and now worry-free that everything has seemed to go ok.

Until now.......I got a phone call from the doctor's office today saying the cancer cells have shown up on my test I had at my 15 week appointment. My heart sank and I felt empty. I was at work when I got the call so it sucked crying at work and having to hide and find places to avoid people to get my self together again.

I was like, "really? why now? why when I'm pregnant?" I was lucky it never affected my first pregnancy but I had it prior to being pregnant so everything had time to heal. Now I'm pregnant and it's back. I have to go in next Monday for the dreaded tests they did the first time where they freeze and burn off parts of the organ to get more samples. I just remember the first time doing this screaming and crying so bad.

I really hope maybe technology has advanced to where it may be different or less painful. It's not like I can get on medication nor have surgery because of the pregnancy to remove it. The bad part is, we don't know how developed the cancer is at the moment until I go for the testing. The waiting period will suck. I hope it doesn't take long, but then again I don't want to know...I hate this.

So yea, that's what I was talking about in my status earlier. I would have loved for them to tell me something like I have high blood pressure or I'm too over weight.... those are fixes I can deal with. But the cancer thing again sucks really bad. I basically have no immune system. So this doesn't help. My body doesn't fight infection like most people. I get sick so much easier and longer then most and the cancer developed too fast last time because my body wasn't fighting it fast enough to keep the progression slow.

That's what I am worried about with this. That it's going to spread too fast too soon and drastic measures will be taken. I don't want to even think about having to choose between my life and the baby's...though I highly doubt that is something I need to be even thinking about because I don't think it would get that far.

Also being pregnant, I don't want anything to spread to the baby. I don't want to be hospitalized or having this affect my life at all. I need it to stay controlled. At least until the baby is born. Then I can go from there. I had so many thoughts going through my head earlier when they called me with the bad news. Just sucks, you know? But I talked to my husband and then to my mom over the phone and I'm doing much better now. I'm over the initial shock and just have to go in and have it done regardless the pain. So I'm taking a half day off of work that day to do it and then the funny thing is, I go in the next morning for my ultrasound. So one extreme to the next. A scary and sad doctor visit to a really happy one. That's not good for a crazy emotional pregnant woman.

So anyway, now you know something about me that you didn't before. Anyway, I will keep you updated when I find out more...it may not be for a few weeks because once the testing is done, I don't know how long it will take to get back to me. So we shall wait and see...unfortunately....

xoxo Rebecca